1.

The person I used to be was rushed. Busy. Indignant about things that actually sometimes don't really matter. I was innocent. Innocent to death, to disease, to health crises. I was innocent to the healthcare system. I believed I had a general idea about the trajectory of my life. I was becoming settled. But I was also lost at times. This was before mom's diagnosis. Going on with life thinking I had an idea about what it was going to look like. Making plans. Future planning. Living. Then all of that stopped. She was diagnosed and everything changed. EVERYTHING. My life, where I lived, my job, my role. I became a caregiver. I took care of her through so many awful things. I became the person that took care of her.

I wouldn't have had it any other way. It changed who I am. I went from thinking I had a plan, to realizing I can make as many plans as I want, but there's no way to know if they'll actually happen.

Who was I throughout her sickness? I was her caregiver. I was her daughter. I watched my mother's body become overtaken by cancer. I was helpless. And powerless. I've never felt such fear. I knew what was coming, but did everything I could to make her time less painful, more enjoyable. And of course I made mistakes and fucked up along the way but I do know I was the person that always kept trying. When she was sick, I was someone that would look at the current crisis/operation/hospital stay and do what needed to get done to support my mom. I made sure she knew how much I loved her along the way, too.

Who was the person I used to be? So much has changed sometimes it's hard to even remember. It feels like a fuzzy visual from my imagination that feels far away. Who was I? What mattered to me? Life was so different before. I was so different before. Naive to death and naive to illness. Naive to all that comes with death and illness. I know the person I am now is no longer the person I was. Too much has happened. Too much pain, too much sadness, too much heartbreak. So much heartbreak. So many painful moments of coming to a reckoning with your powerlessness - your utter powerlessness. I thought I had more control before. More control of life. Now I realize I don't - it's both good and bad. The person I used to be also didn't know what she was capable of. I know now I can deal with hard things. Really awful, painful, soul-wrenching sad things. I struggle - but I am more confident. I also know how much more love I'm capable of feeling. I learned I would actually do anything for the people I love.

The person I used to be feels more innocent. Just innocent of all the pangs of the reality of death and how fucking fragile life is. Innocent of how a disease can ravage a person's body. Innocent of those things because I didn't have to be another way about it. There is so much that is different between the person I was and the person I am now. I'm still trying to figure it all out and I know it will take awhile, maybe even a lifetime.

I love you mama.