8.

I just got back from the doctors. My appointment was at the same hospital my mom had to go to. I felt anxious the whole way there. I cried during my procedure. Not because it was painful (it was) but because I couldn't stop thinking about my mom. My mom went through so much, endured so much. With Covid, we stopped being able to go with her to her appointments. It was the fucking worst. I would have to drop her off and watch her walk inside alone. Today I had to go to my appointment alone because we are still in a pandemic. I sat in the exact same radiology check in room, alone, and had visions of my mother being there for all of her procedures, alone. Me dropping her off, waiting in the parking lot, and then asking her how it went. She never complained. She would talk about how her favorite PA was there, or that the nurse was helpful, but would never complain. I always knew that something was bad when she would say it was bad because truly she didn't complain. And while I was there, my heart just broke. It broke for my mom having to be in all those appointments alone, it broke for all the shit she had to go through, and it broke because she's not here anymore. I just want my mom. I want my mom. I want my mom to be here so bad. It is so fucking painful I can't even describe it. I hate all of this. I just want my mom to be here. I fucking hate this. All of it is just terrible. It's just so painfully terrible. Watching someone go through everything she went through was just so difficult. So fucking difficult. All of this is so hard - it's just so hard, painful, and so fucking sad and there's no way around it.